32-Year-old Midlife crisis?
Can a 32-year-old experience a midlife crisis?
What a question! As I showered this morning I realized that I could potentially be living through a midlife crisis. I mean I know I am only 32 but my life has been everything but ordinary. Most people begin their lives now. Most people marry in their early 30's and have kids throughout their 30’s and 40's. Considering the age I had my children and got married, I am right there in terms of phases of life where the 30-year-olds are now in their mid 40’s going through the changes!
I don’t feel older physically or mentally but emotionally I am so drained.
My children are now 14 and 15. They start school this week. I officially have two kids in high school and I cannot deal with it!
Somehow I feel like they are slipping away from my fingertips and they no longer need a mom. I know I am exaggerating (to a certain point) but as a woman who dedicated her youth to her children and became an adult as a mother, the role is everything I know and love (aside from the role of wife) that I love and hold so dear and near to my soul.
Once upon a time, my chipmunks were warm and cozy in my womb and as they grow older into needing less of me, I find myself at a loss of time and energy. I programmed myself to give and now I am finding myself useless. I know that this is the cycle of life but man, when reality starts to set in my heart, I begin to feel so lonely.
I started to experience the roller coaster of emotions last month. My husband and I sat on a beach in Perdido Key, Florida listening to Sade and having a couple of cold ones. Life was feeling good. My kids were in the ocean with huge smiles on their faces and their skin sun-kissed to the max. I stared at their curly hair, imagined their laughs over the sound of the waves and the people talking on the shore and their mix of music. That’s when it hit me. They didn’t need me anymore. I sat there with a huge hole in my heart. I felt like my favorite role on a tv show was canceled. Like my favorite dish on the menu was discontinued. Like my favorite song is no longer on the radio. Like my life was over. I know I sound dramatic as hell. But I am a mother. Above all, above woman, above wife, above educator, above friend. I have always been a mom. A caregiver. A giver period! And now, I feel like a part of my life no longer makes sense.
I am a busy woman aside from being a mom and wife. I teach full-time. I have a podcast called, True Lessons. I am a life coach and am currently in school to get certified. I clean and cook and love to read and watch movies/tv series wherever I have “extra time”. I know I am busy but being a mom fills me up.
I know that this is a hard transition and I know they haven’t officially left the nest yet but the feeling alone of not being needed as I used to leave me with so much room to do more for me and it’s something I have to get used to now.
I am grateful for their health, our health, and I am thankful that my biggest pain right now in my life is that life is literally moving swiftly into the stages of life that it's supposed to. I have to relearn myself. I have to relearn my life. I have to relearn and unlearn so many things about myself as a parent and woman.
Many people may think that this is awesome. I am 32 and already have the freedom to dedicate so much time to myself after raising such amazing human beings but if you know me personally you know that being a mother is not only my favorite role in life, it has been almost everything to me. Through them, raising them, I became an adult myself and so we grew up together. Perhaps that is the biggest part of myself that I am having trouble accepting. We have to go our separate ways and I have to learn to be someone other than the roles I play in life.
I know exactly what I have to do. I know exactly how to do it. I just don’t want to. LOL
And no, I don’t want a fancy car or to cut my hair or to go wild. I know life is short but my life is only about to begin and I have lived a whole life as a mom and wife at 32 already!
So my midlife crisis drama is not about age, it's about the experience.
My midlife crisis is not about what I am missing or fear of missing out on the little bit of youth I have left because truth be told, I am very very young.
My midlife crisis is about emotions.
I am sure I will go through another one (midlife crisis) when my back and knees give out completely one day, but until then, I will keep you all posted here- through my blogs, media posts, books, and my podcast.
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Lillian likes to share her thoughts. Sometimes her experiences are shared here and on her podcast; True Lessons
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