For the past 14 years I thought I knew what I was doing. I had unwritten and unspoken expectations in my marriage that also carried onto my other relationships with others. I usually treat others how I would like to be treated expecting them to do the same. I thought people had common sense and/or decency to treat their loved ones with the same capacity of understanding, support and love. However, now almost 31 years old, I am found in the moment of complete reflection because I am not trying to grow up anymore, I need to GLOW up. I have expected too much of my spouse. I put all my eggs into one damn basket. I am not saying that he has been the worst spouse in the world. I am saying that I grew up wanting him to fulfill every void my father had not filled and be the perfect husband I imagined he would be without there ever being a real communication of expectations. Yeah, I said: if you ever cheat on me, I will leave you in a heartbeat but we NEVER do exactly what we set our minds to in the way we claimed it would happen. Let me clarify a little about my marriage. My husband is 7 years older than me and when we met, he had a 1 year old daughter and at 15 years old I was blessed with baby momma drama and yes by the age of 16 I became a wife, a step mother and THE woman of the house.
I knew nothing about anything. I acted like I did. I had a vision. I wanted the white picket fence. I wanted happily ever after but ignored the steps of life, relationships and self-love.
Self-love was a distant if not an unknown matter to my knowledge. I am so happy we are now in the age of self-love. We are screaming it to the world through Instagram, podcasts, and books like, you’re a Badass (which is a must read, because we are all bad asses). I am happy to be a part of this generation, that is so easily misunderstood, because we’re trying to break the chains and stop carrying the crosses of our descendants. Pain and suffering ends with us, at least those who want to heal. Healing has not been an easy journey and I am so grateful for the indirect support from the universe to be able to do so because my son and daughter will not carry the crosses of pain and self-hate which some people refer to as general curses. There are heaps of resources that have helped me with this journey. We cannot do it alone, that is for sure. We would go insane!
When my marriage felt like it failed, I realized that not only had he not met my unspoken expectations; I realized I also faulted in many other ways. It’s always easy to blame others but so difficult to sit in therapy for months, reflect on our own mistakes and look in the mirror without make-up, or a clean cut. We want to fit into a perfect shot but cannot handle the work to be the best versions of ourselves and instead look onto others to fill the voids we cannot fill ourselves. We want our besties, our spouses, partners to “balance” us out but we really are just sucking the lives out of each other until one drops dead and then we go and see if someone else is willing to do the same and it continues to happen over and over again. We become judgmental, resentful, and just plain ol’ needy! We need to become stable, mentally and emotionally, so we can extend ourselves to others because what I have learned is that we are not meant to fill anyone’s voids, we are extensions of the beauty God laid here on this world. I have begun to see the evidence of God’s existence right here in every one of us: when we spread and feel love, we feel something that is inexplicable, but it requires constant effort. Love is God and fundamentally a VERB! Yet, we must choose to love ourselves first and enough before we can expect anyone to do so wholeheartedly.
False hopes are indeed the same as unspoken expectations. We hope that whatever we do not have, our partner should be able to fulfill or the universe to simply provide it for us because we deserve it (how entitled is our generation).
We hope to have a better relationship than our parents. We hope to be taller, stronger and smarter than the ones we looked up while we're growing up. Then our hearts collapse when we end up 5’1, bigger, not stronger, and just poor on different levels. Even if we speak our hopes into existence, we end up mirroring everything we didn’t want to because it’s what we know, or we end up heartbroken because we somehow felt entitled to what we claimed. Not everything we want is what is good for us.
I have made it my duty to unlearn some habits by loving myself way more, valuing my own gifts, feeling satisfied with the kind of beauty I possess inside and out and spreading love onto others as an extension of God’s glory. We need to stop blaming our mommy and daddy and our partners for how we feel and love ourselves enough to live the life we deserve and desire. The journey we are on is ours and we come alone and leave alone, sorry twins, even you two came alone and will leave alone- you are welcomed to this world one at a time and despite all of the similarities, we are ALL uniquely designed and no one has authority or power over your heart, soul and mind. Stay true to yourself and if anyone ever betrays you, it’s on them not you. Easier said than done, I know. But Love is a VERB, remember to choose to LOVE yourself every day and the world will make a little more sense.
Lillian likes to share her thoughts. Sometimes her experiences are shared here and on her podcast; True Lessons
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