The Triple-A Method for Trauma Healing

1. Awareness 

Study everything you can about yourself and your trauma(s). 

• Read books to become informed about trauma in general, your trauma responses, and ways to heal. A suggested list is below.* 
• Listen to podcasts … Not everyone likes to read or has the time to finish books but a lot of us spend a great deal of time with earbuds in our ears so use some of that time more effectively during the healing process. A suggested list is below.** 
• Therapy/ Coaching .. Talking to professionals allows a person to unravel some confusion that may have been looping in your brain. The answers for which we seek clarity are usually found within ourselves, so talking it out with the right guidance helps us discover breakthroughs we may not have by simply discussing with friends and family who may be biased. 
• Journal! Write out what you cannot find the words to describe aloud. Writing has been noted to be extremely effective when processing information. Our brains process information differently when we write our thoughts onto paper, hence the higher writing scores for those who draft on paper first (and at least prewrite as a tool on paper before typing). 

Awareness allows you to gain clarity on the trauma(s) you have endured and how you respond to them. Understanding yourself gives you access to the rest of the world. For you to understand others, you should know yourself best. 


2. Analysis 
Once you have learned about yourself and your trauma response(s), take the time to break down how your trauma has manifested in all the areas of your life. Ask yourself these questions to help guide this step of your healing… 

1. How has my trauma affected my friendships?
2. Do I carry myself as a victim of my trauma?
3. Was I ever acting like a victim of my trauma?
4. How has my trauma impacted my work-life?
5. How has my experience helped me grow or not in life?
6. How would life be different if I had not experienced trauma?
7. Has my trauma caused me pain or has my response to my trauma affected me most?

When we decide to look inward, we are allowing ourselves to take charge of our healing. While it is not our fault that we were traumatized, it is absolutely our responsibility to heal from it. 
Don’t believe the bullshit about hurt people hurting people. Hurt people can heal people and that is the narrative that we should all learn to love and practice rather than excusing poor behavior due to trauma. We are not allowed to hurt others because we were hurt by hurt people. If you have come to this point in your life where you are searching for healing, then understand this- you are not allowed to excuse toxicity because of what has happened to you. Healing brings forth change. If things don’t change, your mentality, your behavior, and your surrounding energies (physical/relationship dynamics, in cuddling the one with yourself), healing has not ensued. 


3. Acceptance 
The final step to healing is accepting that what happened to you was meant to teach you something. Accepting that everything that has happened was meant to bring you to the point of diving enlightenment is simply the world’s intervention. Radical acceptance is the acknowledgment that life is as perfect as the one you are living today. Why do we have to experience trauma to be grateful? The short answer, is we don’t. Long answer, we don’t. Yet, we have free will. We all are born with the ability to choose. What choice will you make? The same one your aggressor(s) made? Or will you choose to break the cycle of pain and trauma? 


Healing requires you to change the narrative that whatever happened to you was about the aggressor and not about you. Only your trauma response is about you. Society recognizes 3 commonly known trauma responses: Fight, flight, or freeze. A fourth and more subtle response is the emotional response to trauma, the FAWN response. I would like to add the 5th, the Freeing response. Once you have learned how you originally dealt with trauma, and have broken down how it has interfered with your life and your purpose, then it is time to accept the reality of the past pains and free yourself from them. 


The freeing aspect of a trauma response is not acting as if it never happened to you but knowing that was 1. Not your fault. 2. Trauma happens to all. 3. You are not alone. 4. You can choose to help others but helping yourself (first)is key. Trauma is a permanent injury that may need therapy at times. New relationships or dynamics can expose your trauma differently.  Healing from trauma is constantly having to revisit yourself (your faults, your responses to them, and wanting to do better). However, trauma is experienced differently by everyone. Learn what strategies work best for you. 


This Triple-A effect is a summarized version of ways to heal but the world is abundant in medicine. Let’s change the narrative about the world being dark and gloomy. The universe is only as dark as you want to see it. Let’s shift the perspective and find the ways we can heal from within. 


                                               You cannot heal what you don’t reveal.


* Suggested Books -

1. The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel A. van der Kolk
2. Think Like a Monk by Jay Shetty
3. How to do the Work by Dr. Nicole LePera
4. Untamed Glennon Doyle 

** Suggested Podcasts-

1. On Purpose with Jay Shetty
2. Unlocking Us with Brené Brown
3. The Man Enough Podcast with Justin Baldoni, Liz Plank, and Jamey Heath
4. The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes

I have dedicated my life to trying to understand other people, especially those who have hurt me in some capacity. However, my Jesus Year “33” has taught me to stop giving a flying fuck about their story. We all have a story.  Truth be told, no story should excuse anyone for their damn behavior. 

I sound mad right? Well, I am. For the first time, I am giving myself permission to feel to get the hell out of my head. 

I am making way for the blessings coming my way in abundance, and for me to do that, I have to let go of the energies that seem to have a hold on me. 

I look forward to reaching yet another level of healing, but  I will keep feeling and releasing because it’s my time to rise again. 

I was taught to care for others first and not myself. I was given baby dolls for Christmas instead of cars as I wanted. I have always hated the idea of little girls playing around with dolls. The idea of little girls having to care for others and not the boys just didn't sit well with me.  I did not know why I hated it but looking back,  I just knew that taking care of others was a setup and found it unfair that my little brother got toys he could have fun with and not have to take care of like a parent. 
I was told to marry well since I had specific taste in clothing. There was little faith in me, but to ensure that when I got married, I would be a good wife. A Latina by 13 (average) should know how to cook and clean and do it well. In essence, I was raised to serve the man, the husband, the house, the children (nothing wrong with this), but no one prepared me to serve myself first! 

At 32 years old, I had decided to focus on ME, loving me. At 32, I did some mirror work with a spiritual psychotherapist, and she asked me to say, “I love you,” while I looked in the mirror. It was the hardest thing to do ever. 

We, men and women alike, fall in love with other people so easily and legitimately will look at their good and ignore the red flags in hopes of a future with them.

Why can't we do the same for ourselves?

I am happy to report that since I looked in the mirror and said, “I love you, Lillian, I have been falling in love with myself since then and the life I live. I have become very comfortable being in my own company and enjoying the times I sit in reflection or simply alone. 

I do love Lillian, and I challenge you to fall in love with yourself. 

Learn to serve yourself. 

Learn to truly love yourself. 

So the same way Mel Robbins suggests you high-five yourself (believe that you can and celebrate what you have done), I challenge you to say, “ I love you” in the mirror until you do love yourself. 

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After watching Sex/Life on Netflix,
I  started to wonder a lot about monogamy 
in general. 
  Haven't we all? 
Well, let’s go to google and see what the definition is.
     mo·nog·a·my*
      Noun

• the practice or state of being married to one person at a time.
• the practice or state of having a sexual relationship with only one partner.
• the habit of having only one mate at a time.

*Definitions from Oxford Languages
 **Spoiler Alert** If you haven’t watched it, the following is a little giveaway. 
The main character, Billie, a married woman undergoes a challenge in her life. Her thrill for life and passion was not being “met” by her very stable and handsome, loving, husband Cooper with whom she had been with for 8 years already. Suddenly she began to journal and fantasize about her ex. The ex, Brad was also handsome, wealthy, but legit all about sex. Billie was wild and free prior to meeting Cooper. She explored these wild desires with Brad.  She was adventurous and not shy about her sexuality at all. With Cooper, she had settled into motherhood, wife, and housewife in the suburbs. 

Keyword: settled. 🙄

Why do people settle at all if they know it won’t be enough?  

Billie and Brad had a horrible relationship and breakup. Despite all of that she still thought about Brad often. Billie was not satisfied with her husband (sexually)   At one point she thought she could have this with Brad, the whole 100% but because of the toxicity of their relationship- she decided to give Cooper a chance and see if she could have it all. This is when the 80/20 rule comes into play for me.  The 80/20 rule is simply the general term or calculation used to exemplify how people operate. When people have the 80% yet lose it all for the 20%, is beyond me. In this case, you could assume that Cooper was meeting Billie’s needs at 80% and Brad was the other 20% that she needed to feel “whole”. 

1. If you are not “whole” alone, no one could ever fulfill your 100%. The whole idea that anyone can do anything at 100% is just unrealistic anyway but this is what society has created and we have played into it already so let’s not kid ourselves. 
2. This is where monogamy comes into play. Not only the definition but the practice.If someone is feeling unsatisfied, there is almost nothing you can do to stop them from seeking the 20%. I believe that humans are always going to be dissatisfied. Humans conform for a limited time and then they need something else. I mean people evolve, people grow -it is part of life. However, does that mean that people must grow apart from their spouses/partners? Unless they never were on the same frequency to begin with. 
3. What IF the 20% is actually the 80%? Is this why monogamy is not achievable by those who confuse the 2 , especially if they are like Billie. Billie’s 80% seems to be more about her sexuality (which for some people could be the 20%) because without it, she doesn't identify herself as whole. 
4. There is absolutely nothing wrong with anyone’s sexuality. I just think that if anyone feels sexually frustrated, to the point where it impacts their entire life, their family, their health (mental), their marriage/committed relationships, then monogamy isn’t for them. If sex is such a huge part of you, then don’t put all of your sexual desires into one partner. In the same way, you cannot put on to your partner your other tribulations like love itself. 
5. Again, monogamy doesn’t make a person or a relationship be the end all be all. Many people are happy today in throuples, identify as pansexuals, and so on. I just hate when people pretend to be of a monogamous persona. If your partner isn’t satisfying enough for you, or anyone for that matter- just say that. But say it from the beginning. Don’t lead people on. Don’t allow your partner to believe monogamy is important to you only because you expect monogamy from your partner while you are unable to be monogamous yourself- that is manipulation. 

In Billie’s case, she thought another kind of life would suppress her from feeling these sexual fantasies. People don’t change. Behavior? Sure. Values and Morals... Not so much… But that’s a conversation for another day. 

The show also got me thinking about why people cheat at all.
My conclusion: People cheat because they cannot fulfill their own happiness so they become dependent on external factors like sex to make them feel complete.  

So the follow-up question or curiosity is :

Can monogamy be achieved when someone in a marriage like Billie and Cooper’s struggles with sexual fantasies and desires? 

My prognosis is Hell Nah! 

As I sat down to get my nails done today, I stared at the colors behind my nail technician. I had already selected a color, yet I felt impelled to choose another color. Then my mind went from wanting one color to another and then another and another. Ladies, we have all second-guessed our nail color choice, even though it's for only 2 weeks! What I couldn’t believe was that there were so many beautiful colors I had never noticed before. 
Why hadn’t I looked before? 
I usually watch a show or listen to a podcast when I’m getting my nails done but guess what? I left my phone at home. Yeah - I know! Shocker! If you know me, you know that I always have my phone with me. I did realize I didn’t have my phone when I was already a couple of blocks away and decided I would be right back anyway so why not leave it? I panicked for like 5 minutes and then felt so free to just be. 

So basically - leaving my phone at home allowed me to see the beautiful array of colors that I had never noticed before. 
I had walked around so distracted for so long that I neglected what was in front of me the entire time. 
This is what they mean when they say- put your phone down. Look up and literally look at all the beauty the world has to offer! In my case, it was a simple recognition of the options right in my face. 
Two songs come to my mind when I think of this experience:
True Colors sang by Cindy Lauper and Colors of the Wind sang by Judy Kuhn 

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It is ironic that the more you know and grow, the more you understand that you know nothing at all, or I should say not enough. I like to indulge in certain pleasures like coffee daily and wine to unwind. However, the more I become intrigued with the world of peace and harmony, the less I seem to want it, but the more I seem to need it. It seems like my body and mind have adapted to certain “pleasures” yet, it is never satisfying enough. Here’s an example, I drink coffee every morning because It has become habitual/routine-like. If I don’t have coffee, I feel like I am skipping something in my life. I may not even catch a headache, and it seems like emptiness waves over me by noon if I have not had my coffee. I need to drink water! I seriously need to drink more water. 
I once dropped coffee for six months, “cold turkey” and survived fine without it. I missed the aroma and first gulp feeling, but that’s it. So, the question becomes, do I need coffee, or am I just used to it? 
Here’s another twist. I stopped drinking alcohol during Lent. Even though I do not practice Catholicism, I like to take a little challenge during this time. Once Easter came around, I drank one nice juicy glass of sangria and the next day had a glass of chardonnay with my meal. Yet, my mood did not change, nor did my mental state become unaltered. 
On the fourth day after the no alcohol challenge, my son asked me,
“Mom, you can drink again. How do you feel about that?” 
To which I replied, “Honestly, I drink, but it does nothing; it feels the same way.” 
He added, “So what’s the point in drinking at all”? 
I was shocked. He is right. Our minds are wired to feel caged in when we feel prohibited, but in reality, things that are prohibited or restricted are because they are no good for you and all along are unnecessary. 
I’m on a mission (been on a mission for a healthier me, emotional, mentally, and spiritually), and I keep seeing posts that talk about spirituality and alcohol not aligning. This got me thinking. It seems like changes must come about to understand spirituality at its best and truly benefit from all the energy I continue to invest in being a better person every day.  My intention is not to relinquish all indulgences but to restrict them, so I can truly live a more fruitful life. 

First step: drink more water, I guess! 😜